“Thank me in the midst of the crucible.”

This was the first line of the devotional I read this morning.

Well, let’s be honest.

It is actually the first line from yesterday’s devotional that I go to today.

So, in the spirit of honesty and authenticity, I am here to say

I have been feeling pretty pissed.

I am an activist.

And as such, one of the first and most recurrent lessons I have had to learn is that

fairness and justice are NOT synonyms.

That is a tough one, especially when it comes to my own personal life.

“It’s not fair” is really one of the most self-serving inner mantras one can have because it effuses this belief that one is deserving of certain things, and when those certain things are not received (especially in a timely fashion), then one feels wronged, and life is perceived as being “unfair”.

And then, it can be taken to another level in which one convinces oneself that an “injustice” has occurred.

That is not about justice (something to seek that is out of the scope of “me”) – I just did not get what I thought, from my very limited and self-serving perspective, I deserved.

Right now, in my own life, there is quite a bit that I am finding I too easily default into the “it’s not fair” mantra in my own head. And, in doing so, I am missing out on so much.

And when I miss out, I do not notice. And when I do not notice, I cannot be thankful. And when I cannot be thankful, I become angry. And when I become angry, I am miserable.

So, as I wade in this season where the tendency to adopt that “unfair” mantra lurks behind every corner, I am choosing to be on the lookout.

I am on the lookout for the ways in which God is active in my life. I am on the lookout for those often unnoticed moments of grace and beauty. I am on the lookout for those whispers of encouragement and peace. I am on the lookout for those occasions that bring me joy and contentment.

I am on the lookout.

And I will be thankful upon its discovery.