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The Greatest of These

We move into our new home on Sunday. This move has been a source of panic attacks and sadness for me and I have had trouble understanding why. I mean, this should be a source of joy and gratitude, right? What is wrong with me that I have felt anxiety and dread? One of the most frustrating things about trauma is that often one’s body and repressed memory responds before the present mind and body catches up. The last time Martin and I bought a home, we were pregnant with […]

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Draw Near

I ran out of peppermint cocoa this morning. Just like that. Not a single ounce to add to my morning coffee, nor console me that the fifth day of Pacific Northwest rain is not so terrible.   My medically fragile daughter, recently diagnosed with anemia, is home today. It is “that time of the month” and it is absolutely wreaking havoc on her already worn out body. Today was also the day we were supposed to receive the keys to our new home. We have a lousy appraiser who wrote […]

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Day 8.

We all know what is going to happen here, don’t we? As I stare out at the vast array of pumpkins showing off under the blue sky and autumnal sun, it really is quite obvious. The search for the perfect pumpkin ensues. Cinerella Casper white Jack O’ Lantern Sweet Dumpling Galeux d’ Eysines Jarrahdale No matter what type you are into – more than likely, the goal is to find the most perfect specimen in the patch. And as I strolled and hovered and scrutinized, this is what I discovered:: […]

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Day 6 and 7.

** For days 4 and 5, I shared a blog post from the Archives on my Facebook Page **   Today is just a bit of a free write. Do you ever do those? Perhaps in a journal? For many years, I taught at-risk high schoolers, as well as ESL. At the start of every class period, the kids did a “free write” for 15 minutes. Here’s the thing – I never, ever read what they wrote unless they asked me to do so. They could write about anything, they […]

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Day 2. And 3.

Truth. I have been thinking about this word a lot lately. Tell the truth. What is truth? What is my truth? Stay true to your truth. Over the past six months, I have been on my own journey of seeking truth. I have been researching the history of racism in this country. I have been committed to this, spending hours and hours researching, reading books, listening to podcasts, visiting museums, and watching documentaries. And as I have delved into this, I have also gone through every single stage of grief. […]

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31 Days

I have decided to participate in the 31 Days of Writing. Over the past few months, I have been writing articles for publications, including READY magazine and Redbud Writer’s Guild. And I have loved every minute of it. Dear Reader, here on this blog, October is between you and me. The timing could not be more perfect. Politics. Violence. Vitriol. There is so much input right now that tugs on us and imparts a sense of grief and hopelessness. It sometimes takes everything in us to fight the good fight. […]

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Swim.

I started swimming when I was four years old. I joined my first swim team competitively at age 5 and for the next 8 years – I never took home a ribbon that was not 1st or 2nd place in any event. My swim coach, Dave, was the type of coach every kid should experience. He saw the potential in every kid he coached and received no greater reward than to push until that potential was fully achieved. He loved to celebrate milestones and he did so with fanfare. Around […]

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12.

“Carrie – do not hold on too tight.” I scoffed at our beloved neonatologist when he said this. We were standing over the examining table, inspecting Bella’s double lumen port that lead to her vena cava. She had just had this life giving mechanism inserted the week before and really this appointment was to scrutinize me and my ability to care for her and keep infection at bay. For the past twelve years I have held on too tight. I admit that. And, to be quite honest, I am just now […]

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Exposed.

The roots of a tree in our backyard. In January. Exposed. Battling the elements. The connectors between the fruit, the trunk, branch, and leaf. The exposed roots continue underground. You can’t see them. The roots that seek out nourishment, sustaining the tree – in its entirety.   The roots of the tree in our backyard. In March. The roots are blanketed in moss. Protected from the adversarial elements. It’s as if the Giver of All Things whispers, Rest, Beloved. Take solace now. Trust me as you relinquish control. The battle […]

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When Your Child's "Love Language" is Acts of Service.

She is seven and I am only allowed to kiss her once a day on the top of her head. Hugs are only given, never received. Snuggling is only when there is a subsequent fever. At first – I thought perhaps my daughter was merely attempting to emulate her tween sister. I waited until she and I were alone, with hope and a prayer, that snuggles would be imminent. But they weren’t. I began doing what all good mothers do – research and reading every article on parenting my friends […]

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