Zebras.

This time would be different. I was worn out on conferences – tired of feeling like my resume mattered more than my heart. I was tired of being just known enough by those involved in my wheelhouse conferences, but not enough to ever be invited to the table in any fashion. I was tired of feeling the constant tug to prove myself, “show well”, or giving in to the lie that somehow my worth was in direct proportion to who I “knew’. I was tired of being the one, the […]

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10th Anniversary

I cannot believe it. Honestly. On Saturday, June 20th, we completely missed the 10th Anniversary of Bella’s Kidney Transplant. Missed it. Woosh. Is that a good thing? I guess it is in the sense that life has moved on. And we are living it. And Bella is doing well. My body knew, however. I felt like crap on Saturday and could not figure out why. Now I know. Ten years ago. Ten years ago, early in the morning, I watched as the two people on earth I loved the most […]

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God is Not Done with You Yet.

Maybe it is just the time in life. Maybe it is the stage of life that I am in.   Regardless, there are many people in my village right now whose grief runs deep and wide. And unlike a Lifetime movie, it is jagged and rough. It is costly and relentless. It takes its toll physically, emotionally, relationally.   And it does not wrap up in a bow in under two hours.     If you have read any of my blogs, you are aware that I am in it, […]

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10.

My daughter turns 10 years old one week from today. My entire week has become devoted to planning the ultimate Minecraft party. We celebrate birthdays quite enthusiastically around here. Let me tell you why.   My Bella is a medically fragile child. I just learned that term about a year ago when a professional referred to her as such. So, there you go – a medically fragile child. Bella has Congenital Nephrotic Syndrome of the F1 variety – basically, the most rare. You can google it. Keep tissues handy if you […]

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Scars

Yesterday, on Facebook, a pastor wrote the following:: Don’t hide your scars. They are a testament to God’s grace and your fortitude. Our scars can even serve as encouragement and wisdom to many.   When Bella had her broviac catheter inserted into her vena cava, one of my first questions to the surgeon was :: “Will there be a scar there? Do you think it would be visible when she is wearing a prom dress?” Admittedly, a strange question. And the surgeon was very gracious in receiving such a question and in answering in such a way to bring a mother comfort. Why is it that scars – whether they be external or internal – are such a source of shame? The reality is, EVERYONE has them. Not one person is immune to it. Not one. And yet – we can become almost manic in our desire to hide them. Bella had a doctor’s appointment today. Molds were taken of both her feet, which in two weeks time, will become inserts she will need to wear in her shoes. And she will need these basically for the rest of her life. And we will start physical therapy as well in order to help Bella learn how to walk correctly – for the first time – without pain or unnecessary strain. We were reminded today that although the surgery will allow for some correction, for her not to be in pain […]

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Day 20

Today is Day 20. For twenty days now, we have been “grounded” in our flat, following Bella’s surgery. And I must tell you – it absolutely FEELS like 20 days. Time has not flown by in this regard. Yes, I have had some great times out of the flat, but I must be honest and say that they have been few and far between. My priority is my daughters. Our days are laden with a lot of the things most parents would cringe at. My daughters play wii together, they play Minecraft together, they watch movies, they play Animal Jam on the computer. And yes, I do try to play the role of the conscientious mother through our the day, integrating mandatory reading and craft time, and writing thank you letters. But it is all getting old, monotonous, I am teary-eyed all the time, have trouble sleeping because those hours after the girls go to bed are when my mind kicks in and the peace and quiet is like a cool drink of water on a hot day, and I am just feeling so defeated. I will not be in this place forever. I know that. This is a season of my life, and please know that I AM GRATEFUL that I can be home with my daughters right now. There are many things to be grateful for, and I do work at finding moments daily to stop and recognize […]

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